Woke to find my wonderful and deceased kitchen fitter, Mr Bucky Ditton, trying to steal my chrome bluchers. Later.
over a violent breakfast, he asked if he could visit me at my fancy office in the city. After.
scrawling an indelicate response across the living room wall he promptly broke down in tears!
Boo hoo you prick.
1) I once rang a radio station and pretended I’d burnt down my own kitchen
2) I once fasted for 14 days to avoid paying for a handmade suit.
3) I enjoy swimming, baking, cold filtering Co-codamol, trolling amateur poetry sites and stealing (shoes)
4) I once met Captain Sensible, only it wasn’t Captain Sensible just someone dressed like him. Or was it that he was related to him, or they’d both played in the same band at school. OH I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.
5) I once wired two plugs to the same flex to see what would happen if I plugged in my house.
6) I never, ever throw food away: hence the ASBO
7) Favourite fancy dress costume: stock pot.
“It must be wonderful to be mad again?” she said, stroking his hair.
“No,” he replied, “the pain of it. It’s practically physical.”
“Do you remember the morning we drove into Nuevo Laredo. We passed that motorcyclist selling garlic. Do you remember the bulbs darling? Big as blood oranges.”
“No sorry darling, I don’t.”
“Why not?” She snapped, slapping him three times on the forehead.
“Owwwwwww,” he moaned.
“Sorry darling, but you know how I get.”